bug

...and when it was over i filled your empty space with time
hard looks at myself in the mirror in the dark trying to figure out which parts of me were mine and which ones were yours. and just like people with terminal diseases fought for their right to live, i can't believe i survived.
and as dramatic and selfindulgingly pitiful it seems i put myself through house arrest instead of cardiac arrest and those were the most real moments ive felt in a long time
alone and alone, your presence was even more heavy than the one that used to be inside me
space solidified making it hard for me to move
but i pushed and pushed that shit down making room for time
and the chemical reaction was hard to see but slowly i turned from you to me
and still finding premature pieces, id still rather have empty spaces than holes shoved with the fake shit you stuff in walls after making a hole in the wall because it hung a picture of you. and i took that picture down and the empty clean space perfectly behind it was my space. the space left untouched by you, the space that let me move on and live without you. and being as empty as i am i am even more vulnerable. they say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger but i can't even figure out what that means.

somedays i feel stronger, like ive jumped this huge hurdle of learning how to not care. but because oblivion is masked as strength, i don't mind being weak.
if growing up and dealing with heartbreak means i have to distract myself every time i feel a real moment even as painful as a memory of you and consciously make myself do something to forget, i'd rather still be weak. getting over someone does not mean you beat the level and move on to the next one. it just means you've become much too accustomed to pushing them out of your brain because of pain. and we forget. we forget how much we've loved and how much we could have loved and my false hopes of loving-you-because-i-knew-you was crushed. and so every time i try to reconnect, you push me further away and i push the thought of you pushing me away, away, and i try again and hopefully you are in a better mood
i do not want to stay angry or hurt, because that would be too easy
i do not want to fill your space with different people because it would be too sleazy
i do not want to pretend you are no longer apart of me and my life because it would be dishonest. so much of us has shaped who i am and though in reality i do not know what your hair looks like or if you have any new scars and scrapes, your presence invades my personal space like guests that come over when you're too tired to entertain
and with my limited vocabulary i say with the parts of my heart that i know truly come from me, no outside sources, no collection of insecurities that need to be nurtured, no empty space in my body that superficially wants to be filled and no delusion the idea of love brings, i love you and i have that undying interest in who you are from the day i first thought you were cute and now that i know so much more, i'm still that girl and i still have no idea who you are.
all im saying is, i am not trying to make you mine
but maybe we can talk over dinner some time.